Rivers of Denial

My intention really was for this journey to be lighthearted and fun. Gay, in the old fashioned sense of the word. But what I've quickly learned is that the business of changing your life is a gut wrenching process. At some point I realized I was doing a terrible job of taking care of the one person I had any really power to impact- myself. So I made a commitment to myself this summer to really take care of myself. I mean really take care of myself , like in an "Oprah would be proud of me" kind of way. I'm an anxious eater and a sugar addict from waaaay back. I am 5 ft tall and weighed 180lbs. The first step in taking care of myself had to be eating better and exercising. I hesitated at joining a gym. It was money that I was afraid would be wasted. So I picked a gym that was literally right next door to my work and was on my way home. No excuse not to go. That first week was a little shaky. But one morning I got up on the elliptical and had what can only be described as spiritual awakening. Now let me be clear about something. My relationship with "god" is not what would be considered a usual one here in the Bible belt. I find god in a lot of places but she seems closer to me in nature. I call her Lucy and I have no real theological beliefs except this: she cares for me when I let her. If you've had a moment of intense closeness with god you know that there are no words adequate to describe that experience. So I'm not going to try. But on that unlikely pulpit of the elliptical machine, I felt her love for me. I felt for the first time that I was truly worthy of being cared for and I told her I would do anything to take care of myself. Since then sugar really hasn't been a problem for me. It's hard when others around me are having it. But I remember what I'm working for; I remember that for me sugar is what alcohol is to alcoholics and my desire to be whole is greater than my desire for sugar.
Monday my trainer had me working out in front of a mirror. I was forced to really look at myself for the first time in ages. In order to get where you want to be you have to know where you are. And that was the first time I really had faced what I had done to my body. I have hated looking at myself for so many years that I was in complete denial about what I really looked like. I still carried in my mind the image of myself at 18. I saw my body as it really was. And I was sad. Strangely, I worked out really hard yesterday. And it was all I could do not to cry. I can't explain what those tears are about. But I think it is sorrow for all the times that I abandoned myself. Because the one person we betray the most often is ourselves.